Does God Leave a Trail?

This is a piece of a project I am working on. Somewhat ambiguous and incomplete, but I share anyway to generate movement:

Looking back I see that God planned for moments.  It must mean He cares.  He designs with intentionality, for me. 

I see Him in the names of my children. I can see how names are powerful, carving, etching unique life into the story.  They leave an impact. They pave a new road in my mind.  They change the scenery and teach me how to think, even how to see. 

Somehow when I look back I can realize in a new way what was Him and what was me.  Why is it so easy to recall the ‘me’ of the story?  How did I miss all that was Him?  

The Bible invites me to seek, but where do I look?  What does He look like?  

What does it even mean to find God?  Is this a game of hide and seek, meant to be tricky? I still can’t see Him.  Unfortunately, it isn’t a one and done search.  

My story makes God visible so I’ve learned to find Him there. Every detail reveals ways to find Him.

I ponder those words..seek and find.  Is it about recognizing His presence?  Recognizing His influence? As I look I realize He cared.  I can see the provision.  

I ask myself how was it better than it felt?  How was what happened different than I remember?  

If I am looking for God, then I need to know how He looks, or maybe how he feels.  

I think about the blind explorer and how his senses are alive to guide him.  He can feel the depths moving beneath his feet. He describes how he hears the wind.  Do I need to learn to feel again since I cannot see? That man has an advantage. I am crippled by my sight.

When I write the facts I can find the evidence of Him there.  

I didn’t recognize Him at the time because I had never learned how he looks, or rather, how He feels or sounds.  Does seek only mean visual? I’m thinking a definite no, but I don’t know how to explore any other way.

What trail does God leave?  What is His tell? Does He make Himself known?  

I remember the hard, my failings. It is easy for me to recall the outcome and the regret, but maybe God is in the surviving.  He made a way out. He made a way forward. Today, then tomorrow. I survived many tomorrows.

If I could see Him here now, could I let go of the outcome I strive for with such exhaustion? Could I release the control I desperately cling to? If I could see him here now, could I trust Him?  

What does control produce?  The peace I long for? It is a fleeting result.  Control brings nothing but suffocation, trapped within a life that feels too big, or maybe too small.  Anxiety crowds out breathing and creativity.  Fear prevents me from moving.  

My control is a reflection that I haven’t found Him here now. 

So where is He now?  I can start by looking then.